If you are struggling to keep within the word count limit, have a look at my example attached below.
You can see in the first version, I am using superfluous* words and phrases which are not really adding any value to the content. In the second version I have removed these and (hopefully) it still makes sense.
I have also added notes so you can see some of the rhetorical devices used in the writing.
*superfluous = unnecessary or excessive
Pre-edited version
(An essay arguing FOR technology)
Example 1: Pre-edited Version
Without technology, my life would be disorganized, inefficient and maybe even a little dull. From waking up in the morning, to falling asleep - and even while I am sleeping - technology is saving me time.
PAU EXAM – Writing Practise
5. Write about 100 to 150 words on the
following topic.
Does technology help you to save time or make you
waste it? Explain your views.
Pre-edited version
(An essay arguing FOR technology)
Example 1: Pre-edited Version
Without technology, my life would be disorganized, inefficient and maybe even a little dull. From waking up in the morning, to falling asleep - and even while I am sleeping - technology is saving me time.
The sleep
tracker app on my iPhone monitors my sleep pattern exactly,
so that it wakes me up at precisely the optimum
time for my body. This saves me endless minutes of ´snoozing´, which just makes
me grumpy and late and ruins my whole day!
Added to
this technological time-saving device, Google Maps lets me check
my journey time in advance, so I know when I need to leave the house. This
means I get more time sleeping (not snoozing) and
less time hanging around a bus station waiting for a bus that is still
30 minutes away.
Anyone who
says technology doesn’t save you time has clearly too much time on their hands!
Think about it. Without a dishwasher,
microwave and washing machine, our lives would be burdened by domestic chores.
Instead, we just press a button and the dishes get cleaned while we sit back
and watch amazing videos of dancing grannies on YouTube! Thank heavens for
technology – it’s given me my time back!
202 Words
Example 1: Edited
Version (yellow highlighted words have been removed)
Without
technology, my life would be disorganized, inefficient and dull[U1] . From waking up in the morning, to
falling asleep, technology is saving me time.
The sleep
tracker app on my iPhone monitors my[U2] sleep pattern, so that it wakes me
up at the optimum time for my body. This saves me endless minutes of ´snoozing´,
which just makes me grumpy and late![U3]
Additionally,
Google Maps lets me check my journey time in advance, so I know when to leave
the house. This means more time sleeping (not snoozing[U4] ) and less time hanging around a bus
station.
Anyone who
says technology doesn’t save you time has clearly too much time on their hands![U5] Without a dishwasher, microwave and
washing machine, our lives would be burdened by domestic chores. Instead, we
just press a button and the dishes get cleaned while we sit back and watch
amazing videos of dancing
grannies on YouTube! [U6]
[U6]Humour and emphasis
150 Words
(An essay arguing AGAINST technology)
Example 2: Pre-edited Version
In
today’s society there are so many distractions around us, we can hardly get
anything done. Technology, in my view, is simply a
time-wasting device which enables us to sit around the house playing mindless
video games when we could be getting work done, or be outside interacting with
each other and benefitting from fresh air and exercise.
It is so depressing that people spend
hours at a time with their eyes glued to their
mobile phones. What are they actually doing?
‘Liking’ a ridiculous photo of someone’s ugly baby on Instagram? Playing some
terrible ‘Candy Crush’ game (what is that anyway?) which a ‘friend’ you didn’t
even know you had invited you to play on Facebook? How is this a good use of
your time?
Think about
all of the books you could read, instruments you
could learn to play, hobbies you could have without
some pesky technological gadget robbing you of minutes, hours,
days of your life.
No one
ever dies wishing they had spent more time on YouTube, do they? Technology is
draining your life and your time away. It’s time to reclaim your precious time by
spending it with your friends and family (in the real world, not the virtual
one). Click the ‘off’ button. Permanently.
210 Words
Example 2: Edited Version
Technology,
in my view[U1] , is simply a time-wasting device
which enables us to sit around the house playing mindless video games when we
could be getting work done, or be outside interacting with each other.
It’s so
depressing that people spend hours with their eyes glued to their mobile
phones. What
are they doing? [U2] ‘Liking’ a ridiculous photo of
someone’s ugly baby on Instagram? Playing some terrible ‘Candy Crush’ game
(what is that anyway?) which a ‘friend’ you didn’t even know you had invited
you to play on Facebook? How is this a good use of time?
Think about all the books you could
read[U3] , instruments you could play,
hobbies you could have without some pesky technological gadget robbing you of time.
It’s time to reclaim your[U4] precious time by spending it with your friends
and family (in the real world, not the virtual one). Click the ‘off’ button.
Permanently. 150 Words
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